Fat People Are Better Than You

In fact, they are so much better than you that the sheer name deserves to become a proper noun. From now on, by my Burger Kingly decree, we shall all capitalize the term Fat People (and its singular form Fat Person) to show the proper respect. Unless its a woman. Then they will be referred to as fat chick.

Now I know what you're thinking. "blah blah Skinny people have more sex blah blah BEEEELCH!"... Well hogs balls to that, and here's why. According to Men's Health Magazine, the Average Guy has sex 1.5 times a week (79 times a year), and lasts about 14 minutes. He's about 5-feet-9 and weighs 175 pounds. Since the running joke is that Fat People are so fat that they have their own center of gravity, let's assume that your average fat person is 5-feet-9 and weighs the same as this God-forsaken planet called Earth. This equals roughly 10×10 (to the 24th power) lbs, or ten septillion pounds. Now, also assuming that this Fat Person will get lucky even just once in his life, (either by accident, inebriation, trickery or transaction of funds) this Fat Person is having more sex per capita pound than 100 J. Crew models have in their lifetime. Including the gay ones.

So even if you, as a featherweight that I could snap in half by breaking wind, had sex non-stop for the rest of your life, you'll still be second tier to my girth and greatness. See, I know I'll have a heart attack at age 45 because a Wendy's triple scalp burger smothered in chili and dipped in concentrated Frosty mix will wedge itself in my right aortic chamber. But your heart will flat out explode at the age of 35 from the sheer force of just trying to have more sex than me. I'll take those odds any day.

So just accept it. Bow to Fat People as your superiors. Deal with it. Cope by drinking your way out of a bath tub full room-temperature Crisco. At least then you might have the chance of becoming one of us.

By the way, I picked this green apple Jolly Rancher color for my blog not only because it is hands down the best flavor out there, it's the color a Fat Person's stool takes on when they become as massive as the Earth itself.