Fat Transportation - Land Rovers Unite!!!!

Tired of parking at out-of-order meters and still being ticketed by a meter-bitch whose job provides absolutely zero positive benefit to society?

Does the gaul of towing companies stealing your car unbeknownst to you and calling it a "service" boil your blood type from A- to Ragu Old world Style?

Has the thrill of racing against the above-ground T-Rail in an attempt to cheat death while on your way to buy groceries lost its rush?

Tired of buses that cramp the right lane and cause more accidents than there are people who actually ride them?

Disappointed when a blind homeless guy BM's in the last seat available on the subway and asks you for change as you plop down unknowingly in to said vacated seat?

Tired of fennel smelling taxi drivers who no-speaky-the-English-not-very-okay dropping you off in the ghetto part of town to be raped an pillaged? Well then Fat People everywhere, heed my almighty words!

Buy stock in GOLF CARTS! Running on electricity (and sometimes propane for those of us over the quarter-ton mark) golf carts are clean, efficient, and environmentally safe. Spacious enough to fit two Fat People or three other lamp-post shaped friends, these heaven-sent chariots have plenty of horsepower, yet are compact enough to take off-road in parking lots and on school grounds on the way to your unmarked, untowable, unticketable parking spot. Charge your friends for rides to class, to the stadium, wherever they want to go, and leave it wherever you want with the security of knowing that just about no one on God's pastry-filled earth has any idea how to hotwire and steal a golf cart.

To hell with the subway/T-rail. Golf carts are the way of the future. Or at least they were... Until now!

Fat People are evolving a system of bodily transportation years beyond our time. That's right, those stretch marks you see are actually an intricately designed interlocking tread system, delivering gripping power as we roll about horizontally towards our destination. It has taken hundreds of years for these body marks to become calloused entities capable of independent thought and adaptation, but the hour of arrival is now at hand. Feet and legs will be realized as the transportation objects of planned obsolescence that they are. I have it on good authority from an inside source at Goodyear that soon there will be an interchangeable system of Stretch-Tread Technology(tm) for Fat People, good for traction assurance in ANY weather. Snow, rain, sand, ice, Chinese buffet-tile-floors... nothing will stop this beached whale from reaching his proverbial home back in the ocean. And by ocean I mean that Chinese buffet. We even have Patrick Stewart signed on for a one year contract to provide advertising voice-overs. Stewart loves the fat, and so should you.

But this pinnacle of evolutionary superiority doesn't stop at mere practicality. Over time these markings have taken on a symbolic, unique, almost sacred tribal meaning. Accentuate your markings with a full line of Land-Monster(also tm) accessories including chrome plating finish, spinning waist-belt rims, and fuzzy dice for your neck/rearview mirror. Customer service will be a top priority. Stretch-Tread Technology(tm once again) will also come with an unconditional 45MPH guarantee on downward slopes. Should your tread fail under any circumstances, up to the speed of 45MPH at which point innertial forces cause fat to lift off the ground in a bouncing effect, it will be replaced free of charge. While we are servicing your waistline externally, you can do the same internally. While you wait for our trained technicians to finish your repair, hook yourself up to our complementary intraveinous ice cream machine to recharge all those calories you burned rolling to the shop. What's the next evolutionary step you might ask? Probably a self-contained, internal, high octane fuel/power source for those upward slopes. And we all know that there is plenty of nitrous gasses to go around.

So next time, when you catch a glimpse of what lies underneath a Fat Person's shirt, stem your initial reaction to gouge out your own eyes with a plastic turkey baster and stand in awe of what lies atop the transportational food chain. Ride that coveted Fat Person all the way home and keep him for life. And keep the turkey baster... we like those a lot.