"Maintain Your Girth" Famous Recipes, Part 1: Stein's Krissmus Puddin'

So here's the dish. This recipe was inspired during instant message discussions with my friend Jason Stein. This fellow fat man had spent an entire semester in England, and was sorely disappointed with their cuisine's lack of flavor. So we decided to take your average guacamole and turn it into something special in honor of his return. What better way to maintain your massive presence this Holiday season than by spooning heaping shovel loads of festive colored fat down your pie-hole?

What makes it Krissmussy? It's green and it's red and past that you won't care because you'll be in a diabetic coma. So shut the hell up and wrap your lips around this delicacy. And all you nose-ringed English majors who pour over-priced coffee for a living, don't be all whiny and jump down my massive throat just because I like debasing the English language by spelling Krissmus a gifted way.

3 avacados
4 strips of bacon (2 for the recipe and 2 to keep on hand for snackage and calorie loss prevention)
2 cloves garlic
1 small red onion
1 small tomato
small jalapeno pepper
1/2 lemon
1 lime
salt
pepper
dash of Tabasco sauce
Dumpster-o-Corn Chips
I.V. Machine

First thing to do is cook the bacon, not only because it's the longest step in the process, but it fills the kitchen with that bacon smell that drives Fat People to conquer third world countries. When it's good and crispy, finely chop two slices up and reward your self with the other two for a job well done. Bury it, frame it, I don't care, but I'd recommend eating it because cooking burns calories and we need to stock up. Throw it in a medium size mixing bowl, keeping in mind that if you are of true greatness, you could leave the bacon grease in.

Cut the avacados in half length-wise, and twist off one half. If you lack courage you can remove the large seed with a spoon, but true Ministers of Fat jam a knife in it and yank the seed out. Score the flesh of each avocado with a knife and spoon it into a bowl. Mash it up, leaving chunks to your preference, and then apply a splash of Tabasco, and lemon and lime juice to prevent oxidation and preserve the baby-diarrhea-green color. Put a fine mince to the garlic and jalapeno pepper, while keeping the red onion at a coarse chop for texture. Salt and pepper to taste. The Tabasco will add a nice warmth in combination with the bite of the jalapeno and I would keep the chopped tomato seperate until you are ready to eat, as it will just get soggy in the guacamole after too long. Let the whole mixture marinate overnight for best results. By the next morning the garlic will have mellowed a bit, but you'll need to add a little more lime juice as I find the flavor will have all but disappeared.

This recipe can be expanded to add more taste and fat content by adding warm melted Velveeta cheese or sour cream just before the desired time of oral entry. Or more bacon. So hook yourself up to a guacamole I.V. and back that Dumpster-o-Tortilla Chips up to your face because you won't be able to get it in your mouth fast enough. You definately won't be going anywhere until completely finished.