The Fattest Bastard: Explaining All Things Largess

Your one stop guide to that which is porcine.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

MMFfmfmMMFFMLLLGHH!!!! *GASP* ROLL OVER!! YES!!! -or- An Army of One Part II

Now that the undeniable logic behind my first post has been firmly established, it's time to take the topic one step further. My knowledge has been requested by a rather skinny, sexy woman as to why Fat People make better lovers.

While it is in part true that "there's more to go around" and the "motion of the ocean causes a great commotion", I prefer to dispense with these lame pick-up lines. These are the trite, snivelling dribble that unenlightened Fat People utter in an attempt to boost their self confidence as they desperately stuff their faces with a baker's dozen of day-old Krispy Kreme's while crying tears of sweet jelly glaze. That reminds me... be right back.

The "motion of the ocean", while a novel concept is a logistical nightmare. If you're using a good extra-virgin olive oil during coitus (as you rightly should since it contains a high smoking point) it will prevent your good lady friend from remaining atop the Mount of Olive's for more than 8 seconds. All it will do is make her sea-sick and unless your fettish is vomit, sleeping on the coutch sans bumping uglies will be your only choice.

It all basically comes down to a simple combination of characteristics native to any beast of burden. Girth, and a ceaseless, powerful persistence to finish the job. And while perhaps bullish in appearance, Fat People bring so much more to the lustful table than any mere average water buffalo.

A Fat Person's body is built to last. We are the offensive linemen in the football stadium called your bedroom. Without Fat People, nothing gets accomplished on the field, be it offense OR defense. You just go three and out, punt the ball away, get booed off the playing field only to sit on the bench next to all the other skinny guys waiting for a second chance. What's even more impressive is that ANY show of stamina by a Fat Person is unexpected, and therefore an added bonus to the experience. You are an ustoppable (and well oiled, I might add) Sherman tank that will never stop until reaching Berlin, rolling over and conquering all that is in your path. Enemy fire, natural vegetation- all is laid waste beneath your Goodyear Stretch-Treads. The ladies loooove the girth. This ain't no small arms fire being brought to bear, it's the tank-busting mother-load that clears buildings. You know you're enjoying a Fat Man's company when the "throes of passion" literally become the "throws of passion." Every woman who has had her head smashed through a wall, and failed to notice for the pleasure far surpassing the pain, knows exactly what I'm talking about.

A Fat lover also brings a certain economic value to the table. There's a reason that whale blubber ruled the oil industry for the majority of history prior to the industrial revolution. The insulator that makes us sweat 24/7 is the same heat blanket that will keep you warm throughout the night, and in God-forsaken areas like the north east where gas and electric heating bills reach upwards of $500 a month, the money saving implications are evident. Switching to Fatco can save you 15% or more on your heating bill and insurance.

So remember girth, stamina, and powerful persistence. A Fat Person will love you forever if your spine doesn't snap under 10 tons of metric force. And bringing Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt.

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