"Maintain Your Girth" Famous Recipes, Part 3: "Hawaiian Afternoon Delight"

Summer is upon us, and I felt it necessary to provide my loyal followers with a lighter entree perfect for the time of year that makes us sweat more profusely than a whore in church. The key to summer cooking is versatility. This religious experience can be cooked outside on the grill or inside under the oven broiler, and served hot or cold, on its own, inbetween two sandwich buns or with a pasta dish. It's substantial enough to satisfy lunch and dinner plans, but light enough for a Fat Person's afternoon and midnight snack cravings. After all, a Fat Man enjoying this recipe for lunch in Hawaii requires a Fat Man on the east coast enjoying it around midnight due to the time changes. It's economical as chicken is one of the cheapest meats on the market which is a plus, but it loses marks for a lack of inherent fat content. Best of all, you can set the meat to marinate days in advance so the dish takes about 10-12 minutes to cook.

HARDWARE/SOFTWARE
9 fresh boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 fresh pineapple (or 1 can of pineapple in juice) cut in to rings
1 bottle of Soy Vay brand Very Very Teriyaki Sauce
2 Green onions, roughly chopped
1 Heavy-duty ziplock marinade bag
1 sauce brush
2 sheets aluminum foil
1 Flat cookie sheet/baking pan
1-2 greased grill racks
Oven broiler or grill set to high

*A word about Soy Vay brand Very Very Teriyaki Sauce: It is the condiment of choice for any chicken I make. True it's a bit high end at $4-6 per bottle, but the flavor is so intense that it outweighs any other sauces on the market. This is largely due to the sesame seeds and ginger they cake at the top, so be sure to mix well prior to using. DO NOT mistake this sauce for their Island Teriyaki, as it just isn't up to my standards in terms of taste and we are adding pineapple to the mix anyway.

MARINADE:
Place the chicken breasts in your large plastic bag and combine 1/3 of the Very Very Teriyaki sauce with 1/3 can of pineapple juice, massaging the breasts until completely coated. Put the bag in a large bowl to prevent cross-contamination of bacteria and place in the fridge until you are ready to cook. The longer you can marinate your chicken the more tender, juicy, and flavor concentrated it will be but don't marinate for TOO long, say 2-3 days, or the salinity and citric acid in the mixture will prematurely begin to "cook" the meat.

PREP:
10-20 minutes before cooking, pull your chicken out of the fridge and allow it to come close to room temperature. This will ensure even cooking through all layers of the meat. Pre-heat your oven broiler to high (I prefer the open flame broilers as they seem to carmelize more efficiently, and a grill can be used just as well). Chop up some green onion for a later garnish, and cut the pineapple into roughly 1/2inch rings. Mix about 1/4 cup of the Teriyaki sauce with two table spoons of pineapple juice as a basting solution. DO NOT USE THE MARINADE FROM THE CHICKEN BAG.

Line your baking sheet with foil, and place the greased wire racks on top. The foil will catch any charred drippings and make clean-up a snap, while the racks will raise the chicken to allow some convection heat to reach the bottom side.

COOKING:
The cooking time will vary with each oven, and grills will usually take a little longer, but with the open flame broiler I had in Boston it took about 10 minutes. Place the chicken smooth side up on the wire racks, and cook on the middle oven rack for about 3-4 minutes. Pull the chicken out and flip over, basting once and returning to the oven for another 3-4 minutes. With about 2 minutes remaining, quickly remove the chicken and place a pineapple ring on top of each breast. Baste one more time with your sauce and return to the oven. What you are looking for is a little bit of charring around and on top of the rough side of the breast, or the part that faces the bone. The pineapple will become a beautiful golden brown, its sweetness intensified to contrast the teriyaki sauce. Don't overcook these bad boys, or you'll be left with jerky. Pull them out when the breasts have just a little give to them, and resting will bring your chicken to a lustful finish.

SERVING:
Load the breasts on to a platter to rest and cover with foil for about 5-8 minutes. Immediately prior to serving, garnish the meat with your chopped green onion, or try some coarsely chopped cilantro and lime juice. Put a whole breast on a bun to make a sandwich. Cut some in to chunks and add it to a salad (yuck) or cold pasta dish. Typically I serve it with, you guessed it, another batch of teriyaki/pineapple chicken. That or a pork roast. Whatever the case it only makes one serving, so remove the foil and retreat to your bedroom while asking your dinner guests "Hey... where's yours?"

There's a reason so many Hawaiian guys are the size of an island encompassing volcano. It's because they have this recipe shipped daily to their bedside by the truckload.