Fat Fashion - An Army of One

I was recently asked this question by another rather attractive skinny woman:

Why do Fat People choose to wear belly shirts?

To grasp the answer I feel it is necessary to understand the issue in a larger context, that being why Fat People don't wear clothing that fits. Case in point, I was recently attending a gastric intervention at my local El Pollo Loco, when in rolls a 2-ton WWII vintage Sherman tank of a woman wearing a belly shirt that fails to conceal her Goodyear Stretch-tread tire of a stomach. I am a firm believer that if you got it, you should flaunt it, but for the love of all that's sacred if you've got too much of it you shouldn't flaunt it too much. Even as she ordered the entire salsa bar, the poor thing kept trying to pull her shirt down, but it kept snapping back in place like her bra was a sanctuary to hide from the world in. What makes it worse is the Fat Man accompanying her (you know, birds of a feather) didn't even mention anything to her about her unsightly gut cleavage.

Even though I am not an advocate of frequently claiming victimization, in this case I blame the fashion industry. Fat clothing just isn't being made, and what is being made isn't done properly. The only clothing that is even remotely close to acceptable is sweat pants, and we all know how unfashionable those are, be you Fat or unfat. It makes sense that if the majority of our population is overweight as many sources claim, there should be a host of more viable Fat garb available. Not only should there be a Big and Tall section in every retail store, each DEPARTMENT should have a Big and Tall section. Men's, women's, children's, housewares, you name it. In fact, screw that. The whole store should be Fat, with a small section in the corner labelled "Dangerously Underweight" since petite is just a little too PC to be accurate.

Fat used to represent status and wealth, but now it is ostracized and relegated to being ignored. No one wants to talk about it anymore. You know that fat elephant in the room eating peanut butter that no one wants to talk about? THAT'S ME!!!!

Whatever retailer or industrial supply depot figures this out first stands to make a hefty fortune. Fat People are begging for an outfitter to address their individualized needs. We're tired of spending our hard-earned butter laiden dollars buying three $75 pairs of Abercrombie jeans, just to rip them all in half only to be sewn back together in a Quasi-Modo manner so they can fit us. It works, but resembling a one ton Shelob spider monster with four extra pant legs hanging about is hardly practical.

To this end, I believe that there is one institution that will rise to the occasion. No group is more disciplined, organized, well-funded, and on the cutting edge of technology than the Army. Tent tarps and parachute material have proven durable enough to weather two World Wars and numerous American conflicts, yet are lightweight enough to prevent a good portion of sweatage. The Army will clothe (and hopefully feed) an Army of one! The next plane of Fat evolution will see Stretch-Tread Technology harden and develop into kevlar vest material and bulletproof armor plating, much like our kin the mighty and noble Armadillo. This armor will absorb small-arms fire and propel ordinance back out at the shooter, whilst layers of fat underneath will act as inertial dampers to absorb the shock of artillery fire and land mine explosions. Fat People will indeed rule the world. This practicality will become fashionable, as numerous camouflage designs will be made available. All that will need to happen is for one popular international designer to say it's the next big thing. Everyone else will lock in step. What would make a designer consent to this seemingly irrational behavior? A Sherman tank muzzle aimed at the face, that's what!

So bulk up for the fashion revolution! Incidentally, after hearing this wisdom, the lovely lady who posed this question immediately came to the conclusion that Fat People were immortal. Which we are. And remember padawans, Fat is just one vowel away from being Fit.