The Ridiculousness of Old People

We all know about the usual perils of old people. An 88 year old woman, wearing wrap-around Walgreen's sunglasses (even though she's half-blind already from glaucoma) and sitting on no less than TWO phone books, driving an '88 Buick going 50 MPH in the carpool lane on the freeway yapping her head off while her shell of a husband sits as far to the right of her as possible, staring out the window praying for his soul to escape. At least they have the sense to make sure their turn signal isn't on like those pesky Asian drivers. Of course, everyone ELSE on the road is a terrible driver to them, while they remain oblivious to the ten car pile up they just caused in their wake. Everybody else is merging into their lane. Everybody else runs red lights (and by red lights I mean they are actually yellow). Anyone who blows by their car going the normal 5-10 over the speed limit is met with a gasp of shock and awe, followed by spiteful wishes for cops to emerge out of nowhere. The same cops that they are so afraid of yet refuse to admit aren't there.

Old people even manage to clog up traffic without even driving with their massively sprawling, gated, snowbird retirement communities. No through traffic is allowed simply so they can play golf with their sense of high and mighty entitlement. "Hey look! There's a new Dillard's on the other side of that Leisure World. I'll load up the Oregon Trail wagon with 300 pounds of meat, but we may have to stop and hunt before we make it."

Every old person is ripe with the stank of steadfast cheapness (and you thought it was just mothballs and Vick's vapor rub). I can understand using coupons to save money, or shopping around to find deals, but there is a limit. I call this the "$6.99 early bird special at Golden Corral" syndrome. This is where you go to a buffet during the tail end of lunch (around 3pm), get a senior citizen's discount on the already discounted lunch price, and WAIT for the dinner menu to be put out. Then you clog the line as the steaks cook, preventing others from reaching anything at all. Investment completely eludes them. Stocks, mutual funds, all of their cash sits rotting in a savings or CD account. It's the same kind of cheapness that they view as being frugal, where they spend way more money in the process of trying to save a dime here or there. For example, here in Arizona the electricity goes on a double rate at peak temperature hours. Rather than raise the house temperature five to ten degrees by running the AC intermitently, old people will shut off the air completely to try and save money. What they don't realize is that the seven fans they turn on throughout the house eat up more electricity than the air conditioning ever would, and they still sweat just as much in the intolerable heat.

As is typical there is a fear of change. This is a never ending cycle, longing for the "good old days" while the world leaves them behind. Outdated electronics and furniture are no match for outdated ideas on how the world should be run. To be fair many of them lived through the Great Depression and World War II when times really were tough, but I'm sure their grandparents thought the world was going to hell in a handbasket too. We all have an underlying fear that we may be wrong about something, be it love, religion, our way of life. Getting old means death comes inevitably closer and unfortunately we tend to deal with it in angry, self-righteous fashion.

Nothing will nauseate you more than the disgusting eating habits of senior citizens. I never knew Palmed Chicken was an actual recipe until I saw my Grandfather try to dismantle a chicken into pieces with his bare hands. He had a knife in his hands somehow, but apparently shredded is how they used to do it back in the good old days. There is no moderation at the buffet line. Portion control goes out the window as each plate becomes a hodge-podge trough of a casserole piled as high as can be held in their shaky hands. This happens because they forget what they've put on their plate immediately after they've put it there. You can tell if they've gotten beets because the whole plate will turn a light shade of red halfway through the feeding process. God help them if there is but one shrimp in the vicinity of their food because the entire plate will soon be smothered in cocktail sauce. Bread etiquette also seems to be an issue as rather than spreading a moderate amount, old people will cake enough butter on a roll to cover every nook and cranny with at least an inch-deep layer of fat. Even better if it's sweeter bread, because spoonfulls of honey will soon be applied directly to the mouth.

Lost your appetite yet? How about these:

Topping off your water with Mountain Dew or Diet Coke "just because it's wet" is an abuse of said beverage. Putting ice cubes in your cereal to keep the milk cold will only dilute the milk further when you spoon it directly into your reheated day old stale coffee. Pickled cucumbers is not an acceptable side dish, nor is the excess oil/vinegar an acceptable salad dressing. Tapioca pudding is a dessert best left in hospitals where people have no digestive tract. And lastly, someone needs to tell seniors that salsa is NOT a soup. We do not slurp it or any other condiment directly from the small, clear Dixie cups it comes in at the El Pollo Loco.

According to old people nuking meat is ok as long as it's sitting in its own juices, but I'm of the belief that shoe leather smothered in even the most delicious of gravy/broth is still shoe leather. Texture of food comes from internal temperature, not how much juice you've boiled out of the meat. Why must we overcook EVERYTHING? Boiling by the way is never a preferred cooking method, especially for meats or vegetables. Somehow they've forgotten the terms "caramelization, golden brown and delicious, and seasoning" from their vocabulary.

Once we hit 80 our manual dexterity can be likened to that of an astronaut in full outer space gear, i.e. a 2 year old child. A gradual dulling of all the senses ensues. Their hearing is gone, evidenced by the high pitched scream of hearing aids left on the kitchen table as Grandpa holds a phone up to his ear with the "Speakerphone" feature switched on. Even the sense of smell apparently disappears, as not only does the sound and feel of their own flatulence elude them, the ensuing aroma that permeates every corner of the house fails to register as well.

Not only do you have to repeat everything you say three to for times, you have to correct them later when they try to repeat it due to their terrible memory. This usually leads to incessant gossiping because they have no life of their own. What else is there when all you do is read the newspaper and watch the weather channel all day? Whether they have Alzheimer's or not, don't tell them anything personal that you don't want repeated to every other family member with completely inaccurate discrepancies. Everything is an event to old people because the dullness of their own lives brings little satisfaction. The worst is when old people try to correct each other's mistakes with their own mistakes. I honestly think some of them get a kick out of correcting others because it gives them some false sense of security that they are still sharp as a tack. Like printing out daily email correspondence or listening in on phone conversations for the sole purpose of correcting errors no matter how minor or mundane they might be.

Finally, do not watch sports with old people. Everything is a "travel" or a "charge" except for the team they are rooting for. They can do no wrong of course, and every questionable call must go in their favor. Players with success or longer hair are punks and undeserving of everything they have regardless of their upbringing. This however can be somewhat entertaining as sensory degradation can lead to many bouncing balls believed to be strikes, and after-buzzer shots believed to be made three pointers.

There's plenty more I could talk about like endless prescriptions and needless trips to the emergency room, but I feel a little bit better now. I promise there will be more Fatness ahead.