Mysteries of the Chinese Buffet

As a patron of bastardly Americanized Oriental cuisine, I have noticed a few common threads permeating the modern Chinese Buffet scene that I feel need to be brought to light. If you are prudent in your dining practices, as you should be, it would behoove you to call ahead of time when finding a new buffet to plug your nether-void of a mouth. Let me begin by offering a transcript of a recent phone conversation:

Yao Ming: Haro, welcomebuffetchinatogreat... (I can never really make the initial greeting out, but I remain undeterred).
Me: Hi, I'm interested in how many items you have on your buffet?
Yao Ming: Ahhh, we have a wa-hundred sixty items ona buffet.
Me: Ah. Hmmm...
Yao Ming: ...Isa that enough items for you? Hahah!!
Me: ...Hm? Oh, sorry, yes I believe so. Do you have a Mongolian BBQ?
Yao Ming: Ah no, so sorry.
Me: Hm... ok, thanks a lot.

Let me explain what's going through my mind towards the tail end of this conversation. My hesitancy is three-fold. Most places have become deceptive in their advertising in an attempt to bring in business, rather than make sure that quality of food and service is high enough to bring back customers. Your average buffet cart holds about 16 pans of food, each pan representing one item. You would need 10 buffet carts to adequately hold these sacraments. A true 160 item buffet, with adequate space inbetween carts for fat maneuvering would take up an entire basketball court, and it's safe to say that there just aren't very many restaurants with that kind of space. The heart of the matter is that the definition of "item" drastically changes the second you step into a Chinese buffet. I'm sorry, but 12 different salad dressings on a useless salad bar does not count as 12 different items. Orange Jello does not count as an item, nor does the green Jello, orange slices, or tapioca pudding sitting next to it. Why is Jello even offered on a Chinese buffet to begin with? If anything it should be stuffed into a nipple bottle at each table for direct squirtage into a patron's mouth. In any case, I regard this "160 item" claim as flat out deception, and to boot my greatness is insulted by the mere thought that Jello could appease me.

The second dangerous trend that I am noticing is a lack of diversity in the quality food offerings that they DO have. Commonly known as "cookie cutter Chinese", many restaurants are starting to receive distribution from the same companies as their competition. Take the dessert bar for instance. Seriously, why even bother? Your soft-serve ice cream is more ice than cream, and if you're lucky you may get a Hershey's syrup bottle to top it off (I always do because I carry one in my tool belt). Large sheets of bland cake lie next to puffs of bread that have had a cream-like substance conservatively placed inside. The only item even remotely appealing is those coconut cake cookies that are way too small to begin with. Even the quality of fortune cookies is declining. Most are usually inedible anyway, but I expect at the very least a fortune written coherently in English with lucky numbers and a "Learn Chinese" phrase on the back, as well as the occasional double fortune message that caps off the meal's conquest with a sense of useless accomplishment.

Now, let it not be said that the buffet scene is all doom and gloom. There have been some advancements made in the food now being offered. Some of the best places I have been to offer a variety of hot teas, be they green, mint, black, whatever. If the food is lukewarm and swimming in more oil than a 50's grease mullet, then this helps cleanse the pallet. A little lemon and some sweetener and I'm golden for the entire visit, but the best part is those stainless steel tea pots. Surely the Chinese discovered atomic radiation somewhere around the second millennia, BC because those things never go tepid. Now if only they could keep their food as hot and fresh.

Sushi: Now this is a recent advancement that I can get behind. What better way to start off your buffet than with an appetizer or twelve prior to your hot and sour soup? California rolls, tuna... The choices can be confusing, but some of the offerings perplex me. I refuse to have my intelligence insulted when pimento cheese spread and seafood salad are wrapped up in rice rolls and presented as acceptable fare. I'm not some cow that can be pushed up to a trough and fed mediocrity through vile trickery. I can only hope to aspire to such greatness. And I demand more dipping sauces. Wasabi, spicy mustard, ginger, and chili oil are great and all but I'm not looking to remove my tonsils. Give me that sweet soy-based sauce that I can mix other items with to cover up the taste of your sub-par sushi. Only one place I've been to has offered this, but to my dismay they removed it from the menu recently.

The last part of this phone conversation deals with a subject near and dear to my heart. Mongolian Grill vs. Buffet: Too many times are we faced with this forced, artificial decision. Some Mongolian BBQ places aren't even all-you-can-eat and charge per trip, but the medium remains unbeaten in areas of creativity of dishes, choice of ingredients and available sauces, freshness of food, and speed of delivery. It's uniqueness stems from the fact that this is one of the few settings where consumption of vegetables is not only appropriate but tastily endorsed with my seal of approval. True fatness can only be achieved at restaurants that offer both options. An educated gorger will load up the Mongo first, then finish his first trip to the buffet right about the time the chef rings the bell signifying "Mission Accomplished". Your reward for multi-tasking is a steaming pile of chicken/shrimp with pineapple, green/white onion, mushrooms, sprouts, broccoli, carrot, noodles, and house sauce.

The last area of concern deals with the atmosphere that has developed at Chinese buffets across America. Call it "Buffatmosphere" if you like. We have all come to expect that our "waiter/waitress" will not speak any English past the necessary "something to drink?" and "Thank you sir, have nice day, sir." This is par for the course. I'm talking about the smell... That initial shock of "whoa" as you walk through the door. It's a mixture of stale, tepid food that has been spilled and trampled into the carpet, and crab legs that have been sitting under a heat lamp for the better part of a day (and are probably a few days overdue anyway). This is a minor complaint since most people adjust within a couple of minutes, but it still takes something away from the enjoyment of the experience.

The biggest complaint about "Buffatmosphere" is the music playing in the background. I think I've figured out that Chinese people want to provide enjoyable music, they're just 10 years behind the curve. This is evidenced by their selection of Kenny G and other 90's "classics" that have been brutally adapted and re-arranged for solo three-knuckled Chinese-bear pan-flute, and then performed by sub-par musicians. I swear if I hear that blasted Titanic song, or Classics in the Key of G one more time, I am going to take all 20 Chinese people working at the restaurant, put them in a wok, and serve them with sweet and sour sauce. "Wa-hundred eighty items now on buffet! BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Of course that's using their own deceptive business practices, and since I am beyond reproach, it would really only be 161 items ona buffet. Please people, with the exception of a couple summer months there is always a wide selection of sports games on the radio dial, or at least some neutral, conversation inducing classical music in its unadulterated state.

So what can be done? What activist yet calorie saving approach can we take to ensure a better dining experience? The growing number of people in the world means individual efforts are usually diminished and meaningless, but I still say vote with your dollars by supporting the best places in town. Send the message that mediocrity is unacceptable. If nothing else, voice your concerns and menu suggestions at the counter as you pay for your meal. They probably won't understand you anyway, but you can at least say you tried.