"Maintain Your Girth" Famous Recipes, Part 2: "Thy Holy Easter Brick"

Holy Gluttonous Double Post! In honor of Easter, and a certain Girl who claims to have never had a pork roast before, I am pleased to present the following recipe:

"Thy Holy Easter Brick"

Ingredients and Hardware:
1 boneless pork loin roast, 3-5lbs.
2 medium sweet vidalia onion
4 large carrots
6 medium potatoes, unpeeled
Olive Oil
2 sprigs of thyme
McCormick Grill Mates® Montreal Steak Seasoning
325 degree F oven
Large skillet (stainless steel works best)
9x13 oven-safe corningware dish
tin foil or cover for dish

NOTE: Looking at my trusty McCormick Grill Mates® Montreal Steak Seasoning label, I see it contains the following in one, easy to use dispensor: coarse sea salt, dried minced garlic, black and red pepper, coriander seed, dill weed, and paprika. It's also available in a spicy version should you desire. Rather than preparing each spice one by one, this handy mix saves time, and saving time saves calories.

Directions:
Preheat your oven on bake to 325 degrees F.

Select a roast that still has some good fat on the top for marbling. Clean and cut the onions and potatoes in half, and cut the carrots into good sized chunks.

Liberally sprinkle your steak seasoning into the corningware dish, and massage into all sides of the pork roast. Some people might suggest making little slits in the roast and stuffing garlic cloves in it, but I find that the more piercings in the meat, the faster it dries out, and there's already garlic in the seasoning and the mashed potatoes anyway.

Fill the saucepan with a few tablespoons of olive oil (canola oil works too) from your Nalgene thermos, and sear each side of the roast for about 3 minutes on medium/high heat. Searing will lock in moisture, form a nice outer crust for texture, and the remaining seasoning, oil, rendered pork fat and brown bits can be used to make a rather tasty gravy. And gravy, in Fatland, is NOT an option. It is a NECESSITY! If I catch any of you not eating gravy then you will be banished to the blighted lands outside Fatland's weight retaining wall, where people eat salads and such nonsensery.

Place the roast back in the corningware dish, and place the vegetables and thyme around it in whatever fashion you so choose. Cook it uncovered for about 20 minutes, then cover the roast with foil for the remainder of cooking time, generally 20-25 minutes per pound.

Next comes perhaps the most important step! Insert a meat thermometer into the center of the roast, and remove it from the oven when the fallace reads 135-140 degrees F. "But master, pork needs to be cooked to 160 degrees in order to be sanitary *PLUCK*...*PLUCK*" Here that? That's the sound of what will happen to the next person who babbles this old wives tale to me. They get their eyes sucked out of their skull with a turkey baster for garnish! Sanitation today has come a looong way since the stone age when your grandmother was cooking pork, and the grain-fed pigs of today are not fed the slop of yester-year when trichinosis bacteria was a problem. Cooking TO 160 degrees is blasphemy, resulting in just plain dry and overcooked meat. And don't jam that thermometer too much! The more piercings you make, the more juices that will escape.

Resting the covered meat for 10-20 minutes allows the juices to redistribute, and the internal temperature will finish off right around 150-155 degrees F. The result is the most tender, flavorful brick of meat from Heaven you will ever rub across your chest or shove down your gullet. The onions and carrots will be fully cooked yet tender, sweet and savory, and the potatoes will be roasted and ready to mash with some butter, half and half, and roasted garlic. There will be lots of pan juices to baste the roast or your vegetables with, and portions of it can be reserved for GRAVY!

Now before we eat, let us say the blessing for this Easter meal:
The pork is my shepherd, I shall always want it.
He maketh me lie down for nap time;
He ladleth me out the brown gravy,
He restoreth my calories burned;
He leadeth me in the path of Fatness, for his names' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Health Foods,
I shall fear no evil, for thou art in my belly;
Thy cutlery and seasonings, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with extra virgin olive or canola oil; My Nalgene bottle runneth over.

Surely heart attacks and obesity shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in my House's Kitchen forever.

ACHEM!

Jewish people don't know what they are missing.

MMFfmfmMMFFMLLLGHH!!!! *GASP* ROLL OVER!! YES!!! -or- An Army of One Part II

Now that the undeniable logic behind my first post has been firmly established, it's time to take the topic one step further. My knowledge has been requested by a rather skinny, sexy woman as to why Fat People make better lovers.

While it is in part true that "there's more to go around" and the "motion of the ocean causes a great commotion", I prefer to dispense with these lame pick-up lines. These are the trite, snivelling dribble that unenlightened Fat People utter in an attempt to boost their self confidence as they desperately stuff their faces with a baker's dozen of day-old Krispy Kreme's while crying tears of sweet jelly glaze. That reminds me... be right back.

The "motion of the ocean", while a novel concept is a logistical nightmare. If you're using a good extra-virgin olive oil during coitus (as you rightly should since it contains a high smoking point) it will prevent your good lady friend from remaining atop the Mount of Olive's for more than 8 seconds. All it will do is make her sea-sick and unless your fettish is vomit, sleeping on the coutch sans bumping uglies will be your only choice.

It all basically comes down to a simple combination of characteristics native to any beast of burden. Girth, and a ceaseless, powerful persistence to finish the job. And while perhaps bullish in appearance, Fat People bring so much more to the lustful table than any mere average water buffalo.

A Fat Person's body is built to last. We are the offensive linemen in the football stadium called your bedroom. Without Fat People, nothing gets accomplished on the field, be it offense OR defense. You just go three and out, punt the ball away, get booed off the playing field only to sit on the bench next to all the other skinny guys waiting for a second chance. What's even more impressive is that ANY show of stamina by a Fat Person is unexpected, and therefore an added bonus to the experience. You are an ustoppable (and well oiled, I might add) Sherman tank that will never stop until reaching Berlin, rolling over and conquering all that is in your path. Enemy fire, natural vegetation- all is laid waste beneath your Goodyear Stretch-Treads. The ladies loooove the girth. This ain't no small arms fire being brought to bear, it's the tank-busting mother-load that clears buildings. You know you're enjoying a Fat Man's company when the "throes of passion" literally become the "throws of passion." Every woman who has had her head smashed through a wall, and failed to notice for the pleasure far surpassing the pain, knows exactly what I'm talking about.

A Fat lover also brings a certain economic value to the table. There's a reason that whale blubber ruled the oil industry for the majority of history prior to the industrial revolution. The insulator that makes us sweat 24/7 is the same heat blanket that will keep you warm throughout the night, and in God-forsaken areas like the north east where gas and electric heating bills reach upwards of $500 a month, the money saving implications are evident. Switching to Fatco can save you 15% or more on your heating bill and insurance.

So remember girth, stamina, and powerful persistence. A Fat Person will love you forever if your spine doesn't snap under 10 tons of metric force. And bringing Krispy Kreme doesn't hurt.