Fat=TEH STOOPID!!!11!1!!ELEVENTY!!

When you see a Fat Person you make assumptions. Many, if not most of them are negative. It's true, admit it. You're a horrible person.

But it's ok.

At least partially, and I'll tell you why.

This is not uncommon behavior, nor is it necessarily bad. We are trained as animals to make gut reactions to people and situations, instigating a "fight or flight" reaction. "Am I food for him, or is he food for me?" "Is this person or situation a threat or boon to my survival?" Life and death decisions used to be made solely on this initial five second intake of information. Physical observations lead to physical assumptions. Physical traits do indeed have an emotional, or even primal effect on other individuals. Many cultures admire(d) Fatness as a sign of wealth and prominence. Men sought it in women, as good weight represented a fertile body with the ability to bear young and propagate the species. Women sought it in men as evidence of an affluent provider when food and protection were scarce. Of course now in today's overly affluent cultures, unless you are cursed with a metabolism in permanent overdrive, anyone can get Fat. Oversaturation of the market by unworthy impostors has flooded the world with pretenders to greatness, and the gut instinct towards Fatness has become lost.

As man's self-awareness and conscious mind have evolved, our ego begs the question be answered "Can I take this guy?"; or "How am I better than her?" The mind becomes evermore complex. Now as we observe physical characteristics, we tend to make character judgments about intelligence and mental aptitude, wrongly believing coexistence means causality. Apples and oranges my corpulent friends... Two things that are completely different from each other and 99% of the time share no common or universal correlation.

I am a firm believer that stereotypes exist for a reason, be they accurate or not in a given individual situation. There is nothing wrong with observing trends of behavior and recognizing the possibility, or even probability of that trend applying to a certain person. The line is drawn when you assume that ALL black people are thugs, that ALL Mexicans steal cars, that ALL Fat People are lazy, eat like cows in heat, and are stupid.

The association of Fat equaling stupid is promulgated throughout television and pop culture. Look at some of the examples Hollywood has thrust upon it's herds of sheeple-viewers as the norm for intelligence, rather than the exceptions that they truly are.

Eric Cartman:

Fat and Stupid

Peter Griffin:

Don't get me wrong, he's hilarious, but it's because he's Fat and Stupid.

Fat Bastard:

Again, funny as hell, but it's because he's Fat and stupid.

Rosie O'Donnell:

Fat and Stupid. That's actually one of her better pictures. Not to be confused with:

Roseanne:

Who is also Fat and Stupid. For some reason she's also on a recent stint of political rants in an attempt to sound intelligent. Sorry, but that monotonous whine fails to help the cause of the week inbetween your incessant heavy breathing. Guess she just now realized that hitching her career on to Tom Arnold's was a big mistake. Maybe she thinks she's this guy-

Michael Moore:

Fat and Stupid.

The titanic:

Fat and Stupid (bit of a stretch I know, but would YOU run headlong into a massive iceberg?)

Who does network TV news always get live on camera playing the role of angry, uneducated, and possibly racist witness to a crime? That's right. The Fat Woman in a tube top. If you still aren't fully grasping the concept here, let me give you some examples of positive Fat role models that we should all be focusing on.

Mr. Belvedere:

Fat and Charming. Who couldn't learn something from this guy? His lessons in etiquette and behavior lasted 117 episodes over 5 seasons in the mid-1980's. Shame they don't make British tanks like that anymore.

George Foreman:

Fat and Edible. That's not a grill, it's a portable $19.99 shrine to exalt this man's greatness. Where else can you prepare twice as much meat in half the time, while catching all that grease for later? I actually own one of this guy's suits, and it is incredible.

Jabba the Hutt:

Fat and Intelligent. Sure he may have met an untimely death, but this guy was one of the biggest, baddest, smartest gangsters in the entire galaxy. Comes complete with your own Leia in Slave Outfit.

Any female model prior to 1960:
Search for your own pictures. Seriously, any example will do. These women would eat the current wafer-like excuses for models as a snack to accompany afternoon tea. And that's just the MALE models. Twice their size, and still gorgeous.

Perhaps it's time to walk you through a prime example from the movie Office Space:



Stephen Root's character Milton was assumed to be slow and incompetent-a barren wasteland of human intellect. Fat People may not necessarily have a lot of book smarts, but they clock in heavy on the street smarts. Watch as Milton enters a restricted office undetected, swipes hundreds of thousands of dollars contained in an envelope sitting in plain sight, sets the building on fire, and retires to a tropical island paradise... All under the guise of retrieving his stapler. The man is Fat and he is a genius.

So the lesson here, just as it is with any stereotype: you make assumptions about Fat People at your own risk. Not my fault if you end up inside a Sarlaac Pit Monster's yaw.