Hold Up While I Fix Some Star Wars Prequels Real Quick

I know, it's not Fat related, but it's a subject near and dear to my clogg-ed heart. First I'll explain what was wrong with the Star Wars prequels, then I'll fix them in a way that just makes too much sense to have been done.

Even though Phantom Menace got something like 3 1/2 stars, Episode I should have never been made. Aside from establishing Anakin as a whiny 2nd grader with feelings, this movie does nothing to further the main plot. You know, the whole downfall of the Republic/Jedi extinction/Clone Wars thing. Rule number one in writing a story or script, is that if what you are writing doesn't further the main plot or establish a character, it gets trashed. Instead we get Gungans and a paperweight "battle hardened" Droid Army. How do droids get battle hardened anyway? Here's a nice little visual as to what main plot lines are taken care of as each movie is made. These plot lines are basic assumptions, story lines from the original trilogy that we know must be explained. Some are mentioned above, but here they are in their entirety and in order of occurence: Downfall of the Republic/Clone Wars/Vader turns to the dark Side/Jedi extinction/Rise of the Palpatine's Empire/Obi-wan vs. Vader/Luke and Leia are born/Yoda and Obi-wan exile.

Episode I:
None of the above.

Episode II:
At the very end we get the Clone wars, otherwise none of the above.

Episode III:
Oops. This is the last movie. After this 40 minute chase scene, we better get down to business. Downfall of the Republic/Clone Wars/Vader turns to the dark Side/Jedi extinction/Rise of the Palpatine's Empire/Obi-wan vs. Vader/Luke and Leia are born/Yoda and Obi-wan exile.

You can see the obvious problem here. On top of this, there are waaaay too many characters introduced for the story's own good, with weak resolution if any. They just keep coming and coming and don't go away.

Episode II should have been "Episode I". Anakin is established as a dangerous padawan in training under Obi-wan. We don't care where he's from, or that he's the only human who can pod race. The Republic is on the verge of collapse due to Separatist activities, and the Clone Army is built.

Episode III should have been split into two movies. In Episode II, the Jedi are forced into service as generals and their numbers quickly diminish. The Clone Wars are in full swing, and the Republic is crumbling. The film ends with Anakin turning to the Dark Side due to his lust for power, and knocking up some dormitory slut with twins in a drunken-Dark-Side-Force-stupor.

Episode III gives us the declaration of Palpatine as Emperor, and the all out betrayal and extinction of the Jedi. Obi-wan confronts Vader, and escapes with Yoda and Anakin's newborn offspring into exile on Dagobah/Tatooine.

Lucas seemed afraid to leave any potential loose ends hanging around. Every origin, every character, it was all wrapped up in a force-fed bow topped package. Anakin builds C-3PO. Chewbacca is some Wookie Grand-Poobah who knew Yoda. Boba Fett's dad was the proto-type for the Clone Army. When does someone come out of obscurity to do something grand? Why does it all have to be intertwined so tightly, and thus unrealisticly? Tatooine is supposed to be this backwater planet nobody's ever heard of in the Outer Rim, yet Jabba lives there, it's conveniently on the way from Naboo to Corscant, and Obi-wan decides to hide Luke there. What, Vader never thinks to go back and see his old stomping ground? There should never have been a "prophecy", because who the hell fulfilled it in the end? Was it Anakin or Luke? What does "balance to the Force" mean? There should never have been a lame retcon explanation of the Force being related to midichlorians. How does Leia remember images her real mother and Luke doesn't, when Padme died before her eyes opened 10 seconds after birth? For some reason the ability for a Jedi to reappear after death is half explained, but they never tell us how Anakin is able to do it! Leave us with some mystery so our own imaginations can run here! We even see images of Death Star plans. It's like every time some correlation or connection to the old trilogy is made we're supposed to explode in some fanboy orgy screaming "OMGZ! FORESHADOWING!" Even the dialogue is plagiarized in this manner. I have a bad feling about this. "It's genius!" Yoda just reversed a sentence! "Brilliant!"

Speaking of which. Yoda's quirky double speak was a refreshing character trait when he was first introduced in Empire. It was interestingly appropriate because it added emphasis on philosophical points while training Luke. If you watch Empire and Jedi again, you'll notice that most of the time he speaks normally like everybody else. Remember these great quotes?

“Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice.”

Or how about this one?

“Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship.”

For some reason, every line out of his mouth in the prequels was backwards. It was as if some clever pod of writers in the background were going "Hey, Yoda's got a line here. Let's make him do that occasional backward speaking thing." That's what got us lines like "Around the survivors, a perimeter create", "Not if anything to say about it, I have”, and “Good relations with the Wookiees, I have.” Complete overkill.

There should never have been a General Grievous, as cool as he is. Count Dooku was the main bad guy, and because of Grievous, suffered from major "Stormtrooper" syndrome. For those wondering, "Stormtrooper Syndrome" refers to when Stormtroopers, who are supposed to be the most elite, well-trained sharpshooters in the galaxy, simply can't hit the broad side of the proverbial barn when it comes to firing at one of the main characters. In Episode II Dooku quickly bests Anakin, then Obi-wan, and fights Yoda to a standstill before withdrawing. Then in Episode III, Dooku bests Obi-wan, but somehow Anakin's powers have "doubled" since their last encounter. You gotta be kidding me. Like there's a way to quantify or measure a Jedi's abilities. Not to mention all Sidious needed was a bag of popcorn while coaching this middle school wrestling match to the dark side. I guess George finally realized he had too many bad guys running around and had to wrap this thing up because he accomplished ABSOLUTELY NOTHING with the first two movies. Yoda even suffered from this power creep, as he just inexplicably gives up the fight against Sidious to crawl his way to safety through a Jeffries tube. Oops, sorry. Star Trek reference there.

The love story was absolutely terrible. Campy dialogue aside (Blue Screen Effect), Anakin did not convince me that his love for Padme was sufficient for his turn to the dark side. He has a dream that she's going to die and now he's ready to join the dark side? 10 seconds after he realizes Palpatine is a Sith and swears to turn him over to the council, he's hacking off Mace Windu's arm (Stormtrooper Syndrome) and kneeling at Palpatine's feet, pledging himself to Sidious' teachings. Palpatine slapping Anakin with a dark side ice cream cone would have been better motive. All of a sudden he's off murdering Jedi and Separatist leaders on Mustafar (what a convenient way to wrap up a loose plot line on a lava planet). You'd think that any doubt in Anakin's mind about the Jedi Order's perceived deception against the Republic would have been outweighed and eliminated by his knowledge that the SUPREME CHANCELLOR IS AN ANGRY SITH LORD RUINING EVERYBODY'S DAY! Guess that didn't register.

They should have established a lust for power earlier on. Not just Jedi powers, but command over others, so that his final bitch-fest with Obi-wan wouldn't have fallen flat on its face when he starts talking about "my new Empire". You know, right after he had crushed the windpipe of the woman he joined the dark side to save from death? The death of his mother seemed like it could have been a strong turning point in Anakin's quest for power. Only complete control, absolute obedience from others through fear, would keep his lover safe. That is obtained through absolute power, which corrupts absolutely. Not some mystical Force ritual to bring her back from the dead. The power/love combination was tepid, out of balance, and inadequate to justify Anakin's actions.

It was a big mistake filming EVERYTHING in front of a blue/green screen. Does it not seem like common sense that an actor would draw inspiration from the environment around him, adding depth to his performance? Not only did the acting suffer noticeably except for Liam Neeson and Ewan McGreggor, it seemed the CGI people went completely spastic with what they decided to add in the backgrounds. These films were just plain too busy. The first trilogy had a beautifully epic feel, a simple complexity. Notice the use of color schemes: A New Hope begins in space with the vast white of a starship, melding into the earth toned expanses of barren Tatooine desert, followed by the grays of the Death Star, and the blackness of space. Empire opens up with the overwhelming snows on Hoth, the black of the asteroid field, the swamps of Dagobah, and the dusk tones of Cloud City. Return of the Jedi brought us back to Tatooine and Dagobah, and gave us the forest of Endor along with the final space battle.

Other interesting inconsistencies:
R2-D2 has jets on his feet, and all sorts of other cool gadgets. Where the heck did they go?

E1-3 lightsaber duels are all flashy showmanship. Give me the slightly slower, more deliberate Empire and Jedi fighting style.

Jar-jar. Ugh. No more need be said.

Hope you enjoyed this rant. For something completely different, next will be another recipe!