Food Network's Paula Deen Scares Me

Nothing gets me hot and bothered like the Food Network, but this woman is INSANE. Her program, Paula's Home Cooking, is an instant cold shower of arousal kill. How do you take an already unattractive pimento cheese spread and make it completely and revoltingly inedible? Mix in some heavy mayonnaise, cream cheese, and pickle relish. Season to perfection with salt and pepper (as if even that will mask the taste of vomit on the palette). She pours sweetened condensed milk on Chex mix and popcorn and calls it a creation worthy of the Food Network? It's a cullinary abortion is what it is! If this woman donates plasma or blood, you'd better hope that the recipient isn't already a diabetic, because having sweetened condensed milk pumped into your veins is an instant sugar coma. I know because I'm a recreational user, and have seen other Fat People OD.

Hey Paula! How do you get your buttercream icing so sweet?
A: Sweetened condensed milk, ya'll!

Hey Paula! What's the secret to perfect gravy?
A: Sweetened condensed milk, ya'll!

Hey Paula! What's the perfect snack, night or day?
A: Sweetened condensed milk, YAAAAWWWWUUULLLLL!


I've spent enough time living in the South to know that absolutely NOBODY talks like Paula Deen. I'm sure she has a natural Louisiana accent, but what comes off on camera is a campy, contrived attempt to market herself to the Food Network audience. Most of these "celebrity" chefs make multiple appearances, but thank the almighty Pork Fat that she only has one show to host in the afternoon hours when no one is watching. Even her own two sons are riding her flatulent fame to stardom as they are now somehow qualified to host their own show this summer.

Paula, you seem like a wonderfully charming southern belle but your performance practices in the kitchen make the baby Jesus cry. In fact, I'm going to call out the Fat female representatives on the Food Network for their consistently sub-par performances. They are just not living up to the standards bequeathed by their male counterparts. Men of increasing poundage like Mario Batali and the Immortal Emeril put your efforts to shame on a daily basis. Heck, shows like Good Eats and Unwrapped, who feature slimmed down hosts, dominate my attention in place of your paltry offerings. Still wanna complain about inequality in the workplace, and how you can do just as good a job? Then it's time to put up or shut up. Make me proud. But it won't happen by making food even Fat People won't touch.